He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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