I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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