I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
