I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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