she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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