I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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