We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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