it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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