He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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