it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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