Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
