So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
is that a dick in a sweater?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
