I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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