you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
