sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
