I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
