I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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