Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
