Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
