why didn't you poke me back
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
