I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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