I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
