Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
