here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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