i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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