Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
