you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
