you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
