I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
