I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
