Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
