sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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