i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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