My friends, they love my intelligence
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
