Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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