Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize