The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
