It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
