hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Randomize
