I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
