can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
