Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
porn star boner night. come get it.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
