I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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