Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
my poor anus
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
