So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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