Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize