I swear god or herbie drove my car home
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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