....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
