throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
