I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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