Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
