They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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