I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Why is your signature on my underwear?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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