You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
