Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
