y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
