Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Apparently you make a good broom.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
