so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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