It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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