I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
