I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
