I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
