someone get that fucking seahorse.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
