true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
