I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
